Beauty things that need to be put to bed in 2016.

This post was originally called '10 beauty things...' but I very quickly ran over 10, especially when I consulted my girlfriends (Thanks Ruth and Lily). Feel free to keep them going in the comments. 

Here's to a Happy New Beauty BS-free Year! 

The word ‘miracle’

There is no ‘miraculous’ skincare. There’s good skincare, even GREAT skincare, but it’s not a miracle. 

Please stop it. 

Holy Grail

Did Jesus drink from your tube of mascara at The Last Supper? No? 

Then please don't call it 'The Holy Grail'.

Strobing

I blame you Instagram. 

Recent conversation with Mother:

Mum: Ooh I'm interested in this strobing I read about in InStyle. What is it?

Me: Highlighting.

Mum: Highlighting!? What?? If it's just highlighting why would they call it 'strobing'? 

Me: Because they needed a new word for highlighting.

Mum: Why?

Me: Exactly.

Contouring

By all means, contour away, but be subtle, some of you look like you've got dirt under your blusher.

Clown contouring

COME ON NOW.

Baking

Using a ton of powder and then removing it all. Utter genius. 

Well, genius way to get people to use up their powder quickly.

Collagen drinks/tablets/supplements/facial sprays

I know some of you love them and swear by them and if so, crack on – whatever rocks your boat, it's your money - but they won’t fix what nature has lost through age. 

Eat well. Sleep well. Avoid sugar if at all possible. Don’t smoke.

And if you’re that desperate, invest in something injected.

And don't get me started on the sprays.

'Beauty drinks' in general

The best beauty drink for you is water. But you knew that. (I'm not talking about liquid supplements such as iron/vitamin C here)

Cellulite anything

Anything.

They don’t work, they never have. Imagine how happy we’d all be – and how pissed off the media would be - if we all embraced our dimply arses. 

Embrace your cellulite. Mother Nature gave it to you. You’re meant to have it. On the scale of things to be concerned about, it’s really not that bad.

Green detox

Absolutely eat your greens. They’re good for you. But don’t worry about eating greens for your liver and kidneys to be able to detox. They take care of all that ‘detoxing’ for you just fine.

Tea detox

Tea is one of my favourite things in the world. This we know. But come on now. 

The word ‘detox’

When used outside of medical clinics treating addictions or ridding your body of a substance. It’s just a word now isn’t it? Detox mask. Detox cellulite cream. Miracle detox cellulite cream. *stabs self in temple*

Argan oil

It’s been done. To death. Seriously. It’s a good oil. It’s not miraculous. See No.1.

Ditto: rosehip oil.

Ground-breaking

Is it? Is it really? How so? What ground have you broken? I assume you have long-term clinical trials done 'in vivo'? You do?! Excellent. Can't wait to see. If you don't, pipe down.

The word 'nasties'

When used to describe something that you are putting on your face, 'nasties' is pretty pointless. Everything is tested and tested and tested. It won't kill you. It won't 'destroy your cells'. Do calm down.


*After I finished this post yesterday, I sat down to relax and opened an industry magazine, industry, not normal media, beauty industry trade magazine - and found stem cells, argan stem cells (I wish I was joking) and this, all in the first few pages*:

No. No they don't.

Stem cells

Not my first time mentioning these doozies. And I’m sorry to be so repetitive but they’re still being pushed as ‘regenerating dermal stem cells’.

PLANT stem cells may have some good effect on HUMAN skin, but they do not ‘regenerate’ our stem cells. 

Please make it stop. 

The beauty-buying general public are not fools. Tell them what your product does, what's in it and what results they can expect if they use it correctly. 

But please: try not to compare the experience to the second coming of Jesus when you do it. 

*Yes, I cancelled my subscription.

Beauty Myths No.15 - Celebs don't wash their faces/Caveman Regime

Here's the thing: if you don't want to use anything on your skin, don't. If you want to only use manuka honey on your skin, do. If you don't want to wash your face ever, that's up to you (filth).

The 'caveman' regime is the latest thing to hit the press - aided and abetted by reports of certain celebrities who swear they 'only ever use soap and water' on their skin and are 'horrified' at the thought of washing their faces in the mornings.

Firstly, let's be clear. Celebrities saying they don't wash their faces and saying they only use soap and water is not new, some have always said that.
It was utter bollocks then and it is now.

The 'average' woman (you and me) have enough pressure on them to be perfect without xyz celeb saying they don't work out (lies), they eat 'everything in sight!' (lies) and now that they don't wash their face at all? Bollocks don't you.

*literal eyebrow explosion*

Give me a motherflannel-loving break.

If it was just celebs being arses it wouldn't be that big of a deal - but there is a whole industry behind this caveman crapola. You can spend $200 of your hard-earned dollars to be shown how not to use any products on your skin.

*pauses*

TWO. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.

Yes. You PAY to be shown how NOT to use products. Jesus H is it THAT hard to understand? I did the math based on the cost of the Caveman regime and how many people they claim have tried and tested their 'protocols'. Not all the extras they sell, just the basics. $3 million dollars. 3 MILLION DOLLARS from telling people how 'not' to use product. I wish I was joking.

Yes, of course you can use too much stuff on your face. I've always said do what you have to do for you - whatever that is. But please don't think that these people have perfect skin without skincare and/or without medical intervention (or huge lips - Kylie Jenner I am looking at you). The jig is up people. Enough.

Now go wash your faces. Filth.